What a day..
Ok it's been awhile, so here we go..
If I were President, here's how it would be.
1. I'd legalize pot. Not because I want to sit on the couch, eat cheetos, and pontificate on why we're really here, but because it's retarded to spend money on the war on drugs while terrorists and tyrants make money off of it. People that want to smoke pot are going to, regardless of how illegal you make it.
2. I would exempt all veterans of war from income tax for the rest of their lives. They've paid more for their country than anyone who didn't go in terms that cannot be quantified, so this isn't too much to give back.
3. I would get rid of the filibuster. In fact, anyone found filibustering would be shot full of dart gun delivered morphine until they passed out while my specially appointed public humiliation committee took incriminating, circle jerk themed pictures of the perpetrator. Filibuster sounds even gayer than it is, and I didn't think that was entirely possible.
4. I would throw all lobbyists off the front steps of the capitol building and into the white house lawn. No future lobbies would be entertained that don't fit on a standard 3'x3' cardboard sign.
5. Any government form more than 2 pages in length would be abridged to fit the new government standard. Any verbiage that could not be understood by anyone but a lawyer would also be stricken and replaced with lay-terms.
6. The day after the Super Bowl would be a national holiday, and everyone gets the day off.
7. No more sports strikes. The next time someone locks out, walks out, or strikes, they can pick up a jackhammer and report to the nearest 100 degree highway for a year. That will be the new definition of arbitration.
8. There will be no more bickering over gay marriage. As President, I have more important shit to do than micromanage the life of every American. If you want to aggregate your assets and share a last name in the eyes of the state, more power to you. It makes you easier to keep track of.
9. Anyone caught embezzling a company into oblivion for their own personal gain, resulting in the loss of thousands of jobs will be forced to evenly divide said spoils among everyone who lost their job. If this is impossible legally, then the evil, soulless bastard will travel to the front door of every family he destroyed with his own greed. Oh, and they can do whatever they want to him.
10. Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Nicole Ritchie, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore and any other intellectually and spiritually vacant douche bag who makes their living being someone other than themselves yet feels compelled to advise those less fortunate how they should use what little power they do have are free to leave the country. Those who do not comply by the end of my inauguration ceremony will be loaded into a supergun and aimed toward France, where their rhetoric will be more appreciated.
Monkey in '08...
I'm running on the 'No More Bullshit' platform.
If I were President, here's how it would be.
1. I'd legalize pot. Not because I want to sit on the couch, eat cheetos, and pontificate on why we're really here, but because it's retarded to spend money on the war on drugs while terrorists and tyrants make money off of it. People that want to smoke pot are going to, regardless of how illegal you make it.
2. I would exempt all veterans of war from income tax for the rest of their lives. They've paid more for their country than anyone who didn't go in terms that cannot be quantified, so this isn't too much to give back.
3. I would get rid of the filibuster. In fact, anyone found filibustering would be shot full of dart gun delivered morphine until they passed out while my specially appointed public humiliation committee took incriminating, circle jerk themed pictures of the perpetrator. Filibuster sounds even gayer than it is, and I didn't think that was entirely possible.
4. I would throw all lobbyists off the front steps of the capitol building and into the white house lawn. No future lobbies would be entertained that don't fit on a standard 3'x3' cardboard sign.
5. Any government form more than 2 pages in length would be abridged to fit the new government standard. Any verbiage that could not be understood by anyone but a lawyer would also be stricken and replaced with lay-terms.
6. The day after the Super Bowl would be a national holiday, and everyone gets the day off.
7. No more sports strikes. The next time someone locks out, walks out, or strikes, they can pick up a jackhammer and report to the nearest 100 degree highway for a year. That will be the new definition of arbitration.
8. There will be no more bickering over gay marriage. As President, I have more important shit to do than micromanage the life of every American. If you want to aggregate your assets and share a last name in the eyes of the state, more power to you. It makes you easier to keep track of.
9. Anyone caught embezzling a company into oblivion for their own personal gain, resulting in the loss of thousands of jobs will be forced to evenly divide said spoils among everyone who lost their job. If this is impossible legally, then the evil, soulless bastard will travel to the front door of every family he destroyed with his own greed. Oh, and they can do whatever they want to him.
10. Paris Hilton, Jessica Simpson, Nicole Ritchie, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Michael Moore and any other intellectually and spiritually vacant douche bag who makes their living being someone other than themselves yet feels compelled to advise those less fortunate how they should use what little power they do have are free to leave the country. Those who do not comply by the end of my inauguration ceremony will be loaded into a supergun and aimed toward France, where their rhetoric will be more appreciated.
Monkey in '08...
I'm running on the 'No More Bullshit' platform.
posted earlier by DM, the resident idiot
5 Comments:
I want a job in your new admin, but I don't know what I'd be good at.
Sounds good. And very Canadian...you sure you don't want to come at least visit??
I'm taking pics of Lisa's old hood soon to tempt you. :)
And I still think you should watch Bowling for Columbine.
Well put ol' chap well put.
I'd vote for ya.
can funyuns be the national food?
please?
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