College Stupidity...volume III
Unlike most days, where I struggle to post anything, there are about twelve things I could post about today. I will forget the other eleven tomorrow, and I don't want to violate the one post a day rule that is chiseled in the side of Mt. Attention-span.
I learned much more in the surrounding areas of college than I did in it's hallowed halls. Oh sure, I learned how to calculate area under the curve, how to use a Gas Chromatograph Mass Spectrometer, what an LD-50 was, and how to euthanize a rabbit and keep it's heart beating despite the fact that it was dead for extra credit.
But my best lessons came after school.
One year, I was carrying 15 credit hours in only three classes. That was the year I took leave of my senses and decided it would be a good idea to take physics, anatomy and physiology, and organic chemistry...I and II. In the first semester, I had german for about a week, but when the teacher said '15 total hours of listening lab' I packed my books right then and walked out. The other three classes I was taking accounted for approximately 15-20 hours per week in lab, and I would be damned if I was going to spend one more minute in any lab of any kind.
The guy that lived across from me was Kendall. Kendall came to the university by way of Indiana, which was an oddity for a university who drew most of it's student body from rural Missouri. Kendall's dad had owned a ski-resort in Colorado, but had sold it to purchase a radio station in Indianapolis. Kendall's dad was rich, but didn't give Kendall a dime. Kendall was studying aviation, and the flight time was expensive, so to make the ends meet, he sold drugs on the side.
Halloween night, I was sequestered in my room, quietly minding my own business with my nose buried in my organic chemistry book, when Kendall bursts into the room. His entrances were later used by the Kramer character in the show Seinfeld. He invaded my room with this grandiose tale of some huge party down the street held by a guy we both knew. A guy we both knew was an acid dealer too. I told him no repeatedly, even hurling my shoe at him which was the signal that I'd had enough, but he was determined. He hauled me out of my chair and literally dragged me out of the room until I decided to go.
It cost 10 bucks to get in, and it was all the beer you could drink. Throughout the room were people in all manner of costumes, as it was halloween night, the beer was flowing, and a live band was playing onstage. Nothing beats live college music at a party, but the entry fee took every dime I had. Sensing this, Kendall went forth to procure for me the necessary accoutrements for me to have a killer evening. Within minutes, I was fixed up with two hits and was on my way to God knows where.
It wasn't long after that, when Kendall abandoned me in a room full of strangers. As my senses begin to amplify, the music is drowning out everything, and the place is so crowded that anywhere I went, at least 4 people were touching me. Just as I was starting to deal with the fact that I was alone in a room full of masked strangers, abandoned by the guy who dragged me here, the only guy I know in the entire place besides the acid dealer, and I was about to trip my balls off at any moment when the shit he gave me kicked in. Just about then, Kendall taps me on the shoulder and says the following:
"Dude, I can either go home with that chick over there" he pointed " or, I can eat these" he said, producing a fistfull of fresh 'shrooms.
"Take the chick and give me the 'shrooms." I said.
"Fuck you!" he said, swallowing the entire fistfull.
We were both feeling a bit claustrophobic at that point, so we moved to the one place we could be guaranteed to not be touched anymore. We moved behind the bar. It was light duty to be sure, pouring beers for thirsty vampires, frankensteins, grim reapers, cheerleaders, and kitty cats. Light duty, that is, until the acid kicked in.
Kendall was working to my left, and to my right was a guy dressed up like Humphrey Bogart, and to my out of synch eyes, it WAS Humphrey Bogart. Kendall is filling beers and talking to people when I see him take a beer from a guy, and empty it. He emptied it in my lap.
"Dude, you just emptied that in my lap" I said a bit surprised.
"No I didn't" he said, without even turning his head.
"Uhh, yeah, ya did, look!"
"No I didn't" he replied.
It wasn't so much what he said, but how he said it, more like one word "NoAhDint".
"Oh yeah?" I said as I shut the tap off to the beer I was filling.
I turned, showed it to Humphrey Bogart, and upended it in Kendalls lap.
"DUDE!!!" he turned to me.
It was at that point, that I realized. For a guy that just got a beer dumped in his lap, my crotch was amazingly dry.
"You didn't dump a beer in my lap...did you" I say to him amid the 'ooooo's' of the surrounding crowd.
"No, dude, I didn't. But you're gonna wear one now for sure" he said, flipping the tap to the beer he had been filling. All around us people are chanting "GO! GO! GO!" as he pulls himself to stand on his stool. Defeated, all I could do was stand there, nodding my head, and pointing to his beer soaked crotch as he emptied the entire 16 oz. glass over my head.
Sometimes, you just gotta man up and take what's comin to ya.
I think we were kicked out at midnight, but we simply changed venues and finished around 4ish. Luckily, I didn't pass out and suffer any public humiliation at the hands of my friends. No sir, all the humiliation I suffered that night was home grown.
I learned much more in the surrounding areas of college than I did in it's hallowed halls. Oh sure, I learned how to calculate area under the curve, how to use a Gas Chromatograph Mass Spectrometer, what an LD-50 was, and how to euthanize a rabbit and keep it's heart beating despite the fact that it was dead for extra credit.
But my best lessons came after school.
One year, I was carrying 15 credit hours in only three classes. That was the year I took leave of my senses and decided it would be a good idea to take physics, anatomy and physiology, and organic chemistry...I and II. In the first semester, I had german for about a week, but when the teacher said '15 total hours of listening lab' I packed my books right then and walked out. The other three classes I was taking accounted for approximately 15-20 hours per week in lab, and I would be damned if I was going to spend one more minute in any lab of any kind.
The guy that lived across from me was Kendall. Kendall came to the university by way of Indiana, which was an oddity for a university who drew most of it's student body from rural Missouri. Kendall's dad had owned a ski-resort in Colorado, but had sold it to purchase a radio station in Indianapolis. Kendall's dad was rich, but didn't give Kendall a dime. Kendall was studying aviation, and the flight time was expensive, so to make the ends meet, he sold drugs on the side.
Halloween night, I was sequestered in my room, quietly minding my own business with my nose buried in my organic chemistry book, when Kendall bursts into the room. His entrances were later used by the Kramer character in the show Seinfeld. He invaded my room with this grandiose tale of some huge party down the street held by a guy we both knew. A guy we both knew was an acid dealer too. I told him no repeatedly, even hurling my shoe at him which was the signal that I'd had enough, but he was determined. He hauled me out of my chair and literally dragged me out of the room until I decided to go.
It cost 10 bucks to get in, and it was all the beer you could drink. Throughout the room were people in all manner of costumes, as it was halloween night, the beer was flowing, and a live band was playing onstage. Nothing beats live college music at a party, but the entry fee took every dime I had. Sensing this, Kendall went forth to procure for me the necessary accoutrements for me to have a killer evening. Within minutes, I was fixed up with two hits and was on my way to God knows where.
It wasn't long after that, when Kendall abandoned me in a room full of strangers. As my senses begin to amplify, the music is drowning out everything, and the place is so crowded that anywhere I went, at least 4 people were touching me. Just as I was starting to deal with the fact that I was alone in a room full of masked strangers, abandoned by the guy who dragged me here, the only guy I know in the entire place besides the acid dealer, and I was about to trip my balls off at any moment when the shit he gave me kicked in. Just about then, Kendall taps me on the shoulder and says the following:
"Dude, I can either go home with that chick over there" he pointed " or, I can eat these" he said, producing a fistfull of fresh 'shrooms.
"Take the chick and give me the 'shrooms." I said.
"Fuck you!" he said, swallowing the entire fistfull.
We were both feeling a bit claustrophobic at that point, so we moved to the one place we could be guaranteed to not be touched anymore. We moved behind the bar. It was light duty to be sure, pouring beers for thirsty vampires, frankensteins, grim reapers, cheerleaders, and kitty cats. Light duty, that is, until the acid kicked in.
Kendall was working to my left, and to my right was a guy dressed up like Humphrey Bogart, and to my out of synch eyes, it WAS Humphrey Bogart. Kendall is filling beers and talking to people when I see him take a beer from a guy, and empty it. He emptied it in my lap.
"Dude, you just emptied that in my lap" I said a bit surprised.
"No I didn't" he said, without even turning his head.
"Uhh, yeah, ya did, look!"
"No I didn't" he replied.
It wasn't so much what he said, but how he said it, more like one word "NoAhDint".
"Oh yeah?" I said as I shut the tap off to the beer I was filling.
I turned, showed it to Humphrey Bogart, and upended it in Kendalls lap.
"DUDE!!!" he turned to me.
It was at that point, that I realized. For a guy that just got a beer dumped in his lap, my crotch was amazingly dry.
"You didn't dump a beer in my lap...did you" I say to him amid the 'ooooo's' of the surrounding crowd.
"No, dude, I didn't. But you're gonna wear one now for sure" he said, flipping the tap to the beer he had been filling. All around us people are chanting "GO! GO! GO!" as he pulls himself to stand on his stool. Defeated, all I could do was stand there, nodding my head, and pointing to his beer soaked crotch as he emptied the entire 16 oz. glass over my head.
Sometimes, you just gotta man up and take what's comin to ya.
I think we were kicked out at midnight, but we simply changed venues and finished around 4ish. Luckily, I didn't pass out and suffer any public humiliation at the hands of my friends. No sir, all the humiliation I suffered that night was home grown.
posted earlier by DM, the resident idiot
6 Comments:
rockn
I had a mini panic attack just reading that post.
Good decision, though. If you've taken too much acid at a party, it's always best to be near the beer.
Yeah, the keg is kind of like a life preserver. You're guaranteed to find anyone you may be looking for by the beer.
AWSOME AND ENTERTAINING TOO.
Poor monkey! Funny story dude :)
I've got a couple of stories like that.
Good stuff.
Good times, good times.
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